Today I want to talk about having a perfect intimate relationship. If yours feels beautiful, functional and rewarding, then you already know what to do. But if you are disenchanted in it and are secretly hoping your relationship will change for the better - you must change something, and since we cannot change other people- like your intimate partner for example- then our only recourse to enact change in our lives, in our relationships, is to change ourselves. Literally, the law of attraction as succinctly stated by scientist Bruce Lipton, is that if you think the same thing, take the same actions, react the same way...then duh, your life will look exactly the same, meaning your shabby relationship will look the same. Unless you do something.
Does that mean you need to bully yourself into making HUGE changes, like leaving the dysfunctional relationship or suddenly buying him/her flowers everyday? Not really, certainly if you reach a point where moving on, splitting up or acquiring a daily flower subscription feels right, then by all means, those are the changes needed. But leading up to major change all that is required of you is attention to your own behavior and automatic reactions.
Start with the intention to observe your own behavior within the relationship. Once you start seeing yourself from the outside, you might notice some truths: "Oh, I'm totally behaving in a bratty unloving way towards him. It's a no wonder he doesn't feel like telling me he loves me." "I wish he'd compliment me more, but oh my, every time he offers a kind comment I bat it away with barbs and discount his utterance, no wonder he doesn't want to offer kind words to me.
A big issue in intimate relationships is around sex. "I wish he craved more sensual acts with me" or "less sex with me". Why does sexual attraction seemingly dry up? Well, first of all, many women, at least in the USA, are taught that sexuality is to be kept under wraps and repressed until marriage or a long term relationship, with a man. So our basic innate sensual nature is suppressed until the magical appropriate moment, when it is supposed to spring out of us fully formed. This does not necessarily happen, and instead our sexuality is taxed more than nurtured, having been forced into maturation at warp speed, and we feel put upon by our supposed soul mate, rather that joyous in engaging in sensual acts. The beginning of the relationship seems to be more sexually curious and open than later on, because very often women are performing a duty we were taught as children was dirty and unacceptable but is now required as an adult to satisfy our partners. If girls were taught to be curious and open about their sensual nature, including respecting the valuable need for boundaries with their own bodies until they were mature enough to feel safe with such vulnerability, then sex as an adult would feel more organically mutually beneficial. We would say what we want, how we want it, and have the power to pick our intimate partners based on a higher vibrational attraction than our subconscious need for safety and security.
So if you are not craving sex with your partner, investigate: Do I have subconscious beliefs from my childhood that have led me to repress my own sexual nature? Am I no longer attracted to him/her? And if I'm not attracted to him/her, what is behind this? Am I constantly judging his/her physique, either in my head or aloud? Why am I bullying my supposedly best friend rather than supporting him/her? Would I talk to myself so harshly? Am I talking to myself so harshly? What exactly is wrong with having my human body and s/he having his/her human body? Where did we fall apart? Why did we fall apart?
Some of us are blessed with very communicative partners, but if you are not, please trust me: you can do this! When your partner feels open to you communicating some of your fears and even your apologies for having behaved without thinking in the past, you will demonstrate that talking is not about fighting or competing or score keeping.
Do your part to be a better partner. Part of this is owning where you erred and then intending to behave/react differently next time. We cannot be sensually intimate with our bodies if we hate them, so start your journey towards healing this relationship with yourself.
A challenging one for me is my flight response to threat. I used to perceive any constructive criticism aimed at me, as a potential for conflict rather that an opportunity to learn and grow, so would literally leave the building. This wonderfully gave me space to mull things over and edit my over reaction, but in the meantime I had still "left the building" with my partner in, wondering WTF? Now, I know my desire to flee is just a fear response panicking that love will be removed and that if I just sit quietly and breathe, I will survive the emotion going through me.
With that meandering end, just breath, love yourself and your beautiful human form, admit your mistakes so you can correct them, because you 100% always can change yourself.
Following up my post on relationships, I observed that my very own loving communicative relationship felt under attack, by me. This is not something I felt proud of and like sharing when I witnessed it. It seemed as though, if my boyfriend either wanted a sympathetic ear about his own self doubts as related to me, or he spoke up to assert his needs and boundaries, I suddenly wanted to escape. I wanted to create space between us, both to be able to explore what my feelings were about events and to feel safe again. He was not attacking me, he was just taking care of his psyche, so why was I running away? Why did I want to push him away in order to feel the desire to be close again? Thank you Teal Swan for helping me understand. She explains in her video "The Freedom/Connection Split Within Humanity" that in Western culture we are taught that in order for us to have connection with others, we must sacrifice ourselves. Being as we are, human, we absolutely crave connection, and yet, since we associate connection with loss (or the need to hide part) of self, we enter into connection with other in a conflicted state. I want to feel close to my boyfriend, but to do so I have the belief that I must hide my shadow side, which means that I have been deducing that my boyfriend requires that I hide part of my true nature. How did I get there? He never said "no dancing" "no seaweed movements" "no conflicting opinions". I told myself that. I imposed those limitations on myself because i thought my shadow side would drive him away. And since I want him close, I hid certain aspects of me. But as Teal explains beautifully, I have been in conflict with myself. I am perfectly free to oppose his ideas. I can do it with love. I can decide to spontaneously move my human form, with or without him, and have enough courage to know that whatever his reaction, my sense of joy in moving is all the positive feedback I require. If you happen to be with someone who recoils when you allow you to be you, or if you recoil when s/he allows him or herself to be free, then maybe 1) find a new playmate and 2) lighten up on your partner- s/he wants to be as free to be as you! https://youtu.be/E3ifyuqj9Ys