Full Body Pain

Sometimes, our entire bodies ache. Whether from the flu, from an accident, or from perceived wear and tear on our human bodies due to physically demanding jobs or activities...chances are possible that the source of it is self hatred. There is no need to rush into an adamant NO here because there is no right or wrong answer. Full body pain speaks (screams) for itself. "I HATE YOU!" We are usually hating ourselves unconsciously, which can be slippery and hard to detect, hence the message of full body pain.

I got the self hate disease a couple of years ago. It began with the hinkiest tight neck I've ever experienced, coupled with a chronic urge to urinate (really!), and peaked with full body ache and nausea, and a screaming endless headache. It lasted 2 weeks. I did not care about anything. About life. About myself. I was ashamed that I couldn't figure out my problem. I crawled into my bed to basically die. I didn't even care enough about me to eat. Didn't care enough to ask for help. Nothing...I just suffered suffered suffered. Until I became tired enough of the pain that I sought the assistance of an awakened woman. Sheila, from ourspiritualnutrition.com. After the briefest of emails with her, describing my symptoms, she told me to start here: "self hate".  I was rather stunned, that Joanna, the very self reflective analytical creature that I am hadn't noticed the red elephant staring me in the face. Do I hate myself?  The answer was yes.  Yes because I was unable at the time to accept my then boyfriend's assistance and support in feeling better. I felt cut off from the world because I felt like I deserved to be cut off.  Sometimes when we feel we have behaved badly- impatiently, thoughtlessly, carelessly, selfishly - we force ourselves into a self imposed isolation as a sort of penance. We erect virtual brick walls, no one gets in, nothing gets out; misguidedly thinking this will atone for our evilness. There is actually no evil, it's all just behaviors informed by our feelings, created by our thoughts and perceptions. So even when we behave selfishly, badly, etc, atonement is ours not through self flagellation but through self awareness. 

So stepping back into the time just prior to my descent into apathy and misery illness, I was ashamed that I was behaving 1) agitated and 2) impatient.  If your own body is feeling off, feeling tight or malfunctioning, don't wait until your whole body aches before beginning your own self discovery.  It would look like this: "Hmmm, I'm not feeling so good. Am I tired? Pissed off?  Ashamed? Guilty? Am I a loveable person? Do I feel like a loveable person? A deserving person? A worthwhile human? Have I behaved in a good way? or have I recently behaved in a way that I'm judging as bad? What did I do or not do that deserves my own scorn/disdain? Hmm, why did I do that? Is it safe to talk to the other people involved or maybe someone not involved who can just help me be heard?..." This is simply the unfolding of a gentle dialogue with myself. Doing this with ourselves, acting as a patient nurturing parent speaking to an upset inner child, eases whatever angst/pain/punishment state the child is in because s/he is finally heard. When we are heard, our feelings can pass through us. Once we permit our inner child to release, solutions and other options open up to our awareness, that were before blocked by brick walls.

If we have already entered into the state of full body pain, the same gentle tactic with ourselves can be used, but this time knowing what subject to start with. "Hmm, I'm feeling achy breaky awful miserable.  Am I hating me? What about me do I hate? Do I hate my personality? My behavior? My physical body?  Why do I hate that? Am I afraid other will reject me because of it? Can I live with it? Why do I behave that way or look this way or think this way? Can I change it? Do I want to change it?  Is it ok for me to just love me anyhow? What bad things am I afraid of happening? Are they reasonable or are they actual the fears of a child?"  NOTE: childish fears are valid.  They just need to be acknowledged!  Loved.  Just like kissing a booboo. Only after our booboos are kissed and the closet doors are opened and the lights turned on that we can open up to other possibilities beyond our shame and self hate.

This work takes a bit of courage to self acknowledge and desire to grow. Just a bit- if we know we are stuck but we are open to another way...it will appear.

Written with love. Happy New Year <3

-Joanna