Losing a Loved One

Posted by Joanna Rubini on

A note on grief. It’s a feeling. You cry. Let it out. Then explore why exactly you are experiencing grief. In my case, my mom has sustained a terrible car accident. Her health wasn’t the greatest to begin with so smashing herself into another car is a blow that feels nearly insurmountable. Her three children (including me) spent the week of thanksgiving in vigil, visiting the hospital, holding her hand, trying to get a response from her. My greatest grief, when I desolate feeling times after mom's car accident, photo by Joanna Rubiniexplore my sadness, is that I ever said an unkind word to her. I can’t believe I ever said anything unkind to a woman who not only birthed me but was a ferocious protective helpful mama. We all fu k up, we all react badly or unkindly or impatiently at some point in our lives. So I’ve been holding her hand or massaging her good foot and telling her she’s awesome and that I’m sorry for being excessively human and afraid and petty at times. I also know how much pain from her past, from her childhood, that she schlepps around. So whether it’s helpful to her or not, I’ve been time traveling with her, with her baby self and older self and all bleak seeming road ahead after mom's car accident, photo by Joanna Rubinimy beings and supporting her while she went back though the events that scarred her psyche for life. Who knows what she was thinking when she got into her accident but at the very least I feel better for having gone into her past and soothed it, empowered it slightly.

 

Every time I start to cry about her, I realize I'm either visiting her past or my past, or have gone into the future. Her head on collision broke her ulna, 10 ribs, her tibia which severed veins to her foot, she had a heart attack (maybe the cause of the accident), but her absolute biggest challenge is lying there in the hospital bed feeling sorry for herself for being so broken and unable to heal that her lungs are currently drowning in pity. She is literally sickest not because of all of the fractures but because she has pneumonia. How in the world can you get into a terrible accident, break your fragile human body into pieces, and buck up so you start healing? It must be: a day at a time. Just like life. Just like facing grief. So for my own selfish reasons, I want my amazing mom to live. She has always been a fierce defender supportor cheerleader for her 3 children, even if she was very very very hard on herself. I pray she wakes up and sees she can live. one day, one inch at a time...there is so much love and energy around us, supporting us. Go Susan!! Get it done, gently gently...

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Mama with a crystal on her foreheadGrief over losing a loved one- continued...This whole experience has been on my mind lately for the reason that my nine lives cat-like mama was in a terrible accident, was doing very poorly so much so that palliative care came and discussed DNR (do not resuscitate) options with her 3 children. Except, she hasn't used all her lives yet. She has awakened and is talking and interacting. She acknowledges that if she must lose a limb, so be it. She does not want to live on, however, if she cannot sustain her own life. The most amazing thing about this loving, very human, often anxious, perpetually hard on herself woman, is that she, in her now baby bird like wakened state, is profusely grateful. The nurses report that when she wakes up, she starts thanking them all. She's broken, bruised, hurting, but maybe it is her awe at the gift of her life that is sustaining her. I feel my own heart pounding tear gushing elation upon hearing her voice- sweet and wobbly " Thank you. I love you. Okay. Thank you..." I was doing the talking, she was doing the baby bird responding. What I said was I loved her. That I was so proud of her. I asked her if she knew how to heal. She said no, but I imagine she does if A. she's still alive and B. she's so grateful. But here's what I said, which all must be translated into your own version for your own life because really, only you know how to heal. TO HEAL: 1) Self pity does not serve us. It drowns us. But as humans we are often (I am!) prone to it. So throw yourself a big boisterous pity party, acknowledge your fears, and then open your eyes and ask (whatever energetic source, being, power, soul, god, deity, angel, guide, etc) how you can heal. Ask with patience and wonder and gratitude that you absolutely will hear the way forward if it is your wish. Susan, my mom's inner (outer) being, is named Mary, so I told her to ask Mary for help each and every time she was struggling or had a question or felt lost or overwhelmed and knew not where to turn. 2) Visualize! This step I would say is easiest for scientists and doctors who know what our inner workings look like both healthy and unwell, but do it regardless. If you are sick and lying in bed suffering, you have nothing else to do anyway but picture you human bones tissues cells knitting together, healing, becoming pink and voluptuous again, bone structure getting strong and vital again, oxygen easily assimilated by your lungs, food seamlessly broken down into perfect building blocks. And then feel the feeling you would experience upon completely healing. Would you whoop? Cry? Jump? Call your kids? Parents? The president? visualize your gratitude and euphoria that your cells listened and that you are so resilient and strong. 3) Thank you thank you thank you. As mama Susan Lloyd already knows, we are buoyed by love and support. It is a miracle, and acknowledgement of, awareness of and gratefulness for it fuels it like a fire.

 

With love <3

 

Grief over losing loved one, part 3. My mother happens to be currently on an upwardly mobile healing direction after sustaining her accident. But we all will pass. We all will loose or have lost a loved one. If you explore your grief, the images in your mind will surprise you. You may think your grief is from missing him or her. It may be more complex. It may be that you wish you had been more loving and understanding of them while alive on earth. It may be that all you can picture when you think of them is that suffering that occurred at the end of their life. It may be that you regret not having given them a chance to explain their own human behavior before they passed on. Even if you did all you could during their demise, lingering sadness may remain because you were not as connected as you could have been with your other loved ones going through the same experience of loss, because of your triggers and their triggers. And so death happens but the lack of love and support could linger because the disconnectedness remains. I offer my own way, which is talking psychically to your departed loved one to atone for anything you wish, to ask whatever needs answering, and receive closure. When I say psychically, no, I don't expect you to talk to the dead or hear voices or see ghosts. But if you sit quietly and explore an inner discussion with your lost loved one, answers and interaction and healing will be available to you. As for the remaining living, if your grief lies with them and you have the courage, you can reveal your regret at not opening to them more, for not hearing them better or communicating better. If a physical interaction with them feels overwhelming and unavailable, this can all be accomplished within your own psyche. You can talk and share and love and communicate freely to attain peace. You will find, after these explorations, that your memory of the departed loved one is rather more joyful and less painful, though of course, I will always miss your smell!

#grief #howtoheal #howtofeelbetter #sickparent 

 


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