Posted by Joanna Rubini on

As the Salt n Pepa song goes: 'Let's Talk About Sex'. When we think about sex, some of us are thinking that everyone else is having amazing bedroom relations, so what's wrong with me. Hell, even if we are having sex, we are not always enjoying it. Sex is one of those activities that is supposed to be good for us, good for our relationship, and thus good for humanity. And it is, if you do it right. What does that mean? Because everyone has a different sense of sensuality, which is a perfect place to start. If your sensuality feels broken, even if you are regularly engaging in the act, there are some areas of your self, your life, to look at to help it feel better.

BODY: if you take off your clothes and hate your body, this might be an area to explore. Our bodies follow our every thought, so if you are feeling overly vulnerable to either the world or your intimate partner, your body will swoop in and pack on weight to offer you a sense of protection. Excess weight on our frames can also come from self hate, from guilt- I have both used food as protection and ironically as punishment. Food is just food, nothing more or less. It may serve to soothe, but only fleetingly. The absolutely easiest best diet in the world to achieve a body you can accept and eventually love, is when you lean into your emotions and feelings, acknowledge them, do past traumas time travel & healing, rewrite your beliefs and story, and then have your food. You will find you don't crave or need it as desperately because really all you needed was your own ear and love. If you are in the habit of cruel judgement of the body you have, you probably won't be raring to get naked and share it with anyone else. You can go slowly, do the work, intend to love your body exactly as it is, look at only a piece at a time. Be kind and patient with yourself through this transformation.

SENSUALITY: We are both a sex obsessed nation and a repressed nation. We are all supposed to be having amazing sex, but within certain parameters boundaries labels, and only with certain people at certain ages. I'm not suggesting that underneath our repression we are sex starved exhibitionists who want to engage sexually with numerous people and animals at once in the middle of a public gathering, but maybe a part of us does feel like that. I think I sometimes feel the need to repress myself because... true story: when I was a little girl I had a little notebook with photos of grown men (they were mostly clothed, I had no access to playgirl when I was a kid) pasted into it that gave me great joy to admire, and when my father caught me in voyeuristic mode, I no longer remember it's presence. I think I was so embarrassed to have been discovered to have sexual thoughts when I was so young (maybe 10? 11? 12?) I kind of stuffed them down inside me. When we cut off access to our own desires thoughts feelings, they both fester and become harder and harder to reach. To access freedom with my own sensuality today, I have done both past life and childhood regression and healing, fully experiencing my stuffed feelings and establishing that now in my life I am safe and it is acceptable and a blessing to be the sensual being I am. When you heal your story and give yourself permission to explore yourself and your partner, your shared sensual experience will have fewer rules, be more about you both and less about the constrictions and worries that used to play in your head. Sex is not the target, a shared curiosity about our earthly forms is the goal. Enjoy the ride.

MUSIC: We all have different likes and dislikes. Sometimes our brains won't shut up about our body shame, what we have to do after sex, what our partner might be thinking, what we are expected to do, to think, to achieve, during sexual activity. And if you are like me, telling my brain to shut up even though I know "it's about the journey" "my body is as it should be" "I am safe" "I am an adult". So a short cut to a clear head is music. Experiment! Sometimes you need sentimentality, sometimes you need to feel safe and happy, sometimes just a soothing beat is the ticket. Anyway you want, music can help ease the distracting thoughts that keep our brains preoccupied so that they stop operating our bodies properly. If we can be more present, our malfunctions cease to exist, and we experience sensuality more fully and gratefully.

SHARING: Whatever the nature of your intimate relationship: we enter into them with some kind of attraction to the other person. Everything is perfect caresses until someone strays from the script. Only we are bound to stray from the script because we never got the script and we cannot sustain an inauthentic persona for long and be happy. So we find ourselves trying to be intimate with a person who is, for example, uncomfortable with a certain part of their body and who is aroused by a quirk we have never been taught about. We find ourselves backing away from him/her, getting distance from weirdness, from out of the norm, from honest discomfort. But what if we leaned into it? What if we remembered "oh yeah, I like this person" and if we like the person, then maybe it would be loving to help them explore the why's of their insecurities. Whether or not those issues are resolved, your partner will feel safer more loved more connected with you and maybe even more confident and thus more sensual. On the flip side, we all have different taste, crave different things, have different fantasies. If we judge our partner's desires as odd bad etc, then we open the way to judging our own desires, which shuts the whole experience down. Instead of judging or labeling desires as good or bad, they are just all unique. That's it. We may or may not like certain things, but if we stay open to exploring, our sensuality stays open and more satisfying.

More to come!
But in the meantime, I love you and me  #bettersex #howtofeelbetter #rubiniwellness

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