Why Am I Still Here?

Posted by Joanna Rubini on

Sometimes we feel stuck. My story is that I do not feel stuck in my life, but lately I've been having chronic dreams, unresolved dreams, mixing in past relationships, that leave me with the impression of feeling stuck again.  At least this time, I feel curious about the stuckness rather than miserable and imprisoned. Curiosity, I believe, did not kill the cat, but rather, saved her.

Dreams, among other things, are a means to heal us...aka enable us to release feelings that we repressed in our past. They allow us to request, seek, and receive that which we wanted but did not ask for or receive in our pasts.  Understanding that, my dreams involving a past relationship and a feeling of needing something but never quite getting it or reaching it, means that my past self is still trying to release and understand her feelings that she had while involved with him.

Releasing our 'stuckness'  will absolutely come to pass if we stay open and curious about what we are experiencing every day, in every moment. The more we practice this, the better and more consistent we grow in self awareness. We become conscious of having buried feelings both through our dream experiences and through our bodies' messages. My recurring dreams of seeking seeking seeking attention and love but never quite attaining it, or another recurring dream of running uphill on a sidewalk that was sliding backward downhill...both brought to my awareness that I was subconsciously trying to work out something in my past. Our dream content is at times symbolic, and at times very specifically chosen subject matter that our higher self is helping us release (aka heal.) Due to these dreams I was having and my contemplation thereof, I noticed a stronger than usual pain in my right psoas. Contemplation about the dreams and pain I was experiencing brought up memories of the time in my life when I felt needy, desperate, and powerless. This is all very obvious- I was dreaming about seeking love from a non-forthcoming source, same saga I had already lived through. 

But how can we heal? How can we stop a seemingly never ending cycle?  Around and around I was going.  In my waking life, I was full of memories of wanting love and approval but never feeling it, and my dreams were a chronic error circling endlessly on my computer monitor. I began the mantra "Why am I still here?" With every recurring dream or thought about this specific past. "Why am I still here, thinking these thoughts, feeling these same feelings, same suffering, same pain?" Afterall, in my present, there is no suffering or loneliness or sadness. "Why am I still here?" "Why am I still here?" "Why am I still here?"

Finally, a simple beautiful answer- 'You are still here, going through this past experience again and again, because you seek that which you did not receive.' And if we cannot control anyone outside of ourselves, then our only access to healing and satisfaction, is within. I wept in joy. I did not seek love from a past relationship with another, I sought only love, approval, acceptance, support, during that time in my life, from ME! If you love you now, then you can love you then. I meditated (aka spaced out) with the loose intention of traveling back to the unloved me to declare my unwavering support and love. I went back in time, just to listen to her fears, her sadness, her sweet powerlessness. I went back and validated her, acknowledged her, and loved her without judgment of whether her thoughts and feelings were right or wrong.  

My reward was a soothing dream. It was the sensation of blissful acceptance and love. A mix of both past and present subject matter. Upon awakening, I was ashamed. The dream I had just experienced was finally full of the peace of being loved by my ex, it had felt like lying in the warm sun. I felt utter guilt. Thankfully, I remembered: we are represented by all beings in our dreams. My ex was me- blissfully, finally loving and accepting me. There was no cheating, no reason for guilt. I had accessed my past self and given her what she craved. The dreams ceased their now quieted message, and finally, the healing modality for my injured psoas came into my life. 

Getting curious about our cycles opens them up for recognition and beautiful resolution. "Why am I still here?" And as we explore this, remembering to always be our own highest advocate, our own biggest support, and our own best listener.


Written with love...

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